"The best gift I ever survived"

My friend Hil sent me a link today at work, but I didn't get a chance to watch it until I got home tonight.  And am I glad I waited, as there were tears involved (but in a good way).  Check out this short (3 minute) video.

While I do agree with most of it, I would love to know where she gets her unsurpassed energy.  ;)  As long as my little tumor friend is silent in there, I feel the same way about the rest of the things she listed.  It's the gift that keeps on giving (ha!).  I'm just hopeful that I've already experienced the negative with my tumor and the rest will just continue to be positive.  My next MRI is on Thursday, and I know that if/when I get good results with no growth, I'll be again reminded of all of the wonderful things that she mentions.

Slow week

Haven't had much this week to post about (perhaps besides roller skating on Thursday night, which was AWESOME), so here are some of my favorite quotes lately (via Pinterest).

Henry Ward Beecher

Francis de Sales

John Mayer

Albert Einstein

I met with Dr. D, the sleep psychiatrist, this week and he has me clocking my sleep each morning (time to bed, time to fall asleep, times woken up during the night, awake time, time out of bed, etc.).  We'll see what ideas he has for improving my sleep.  I'm meeting with him again this week.

Also, my fellow tumor dominator Sara from Portland (whose dad connected with me at the Portland Brain Tumor Walk last summer and who I've emailed with a bit) is having another brain surgery this Tuesday.  Please keep her in your thoughts for a successful surgery!!!

A fantastic new resource

A few days ago I stumbled upon the site of an organization for young adult (aged 25-40) cancer patients called I'm Too Young For This! Cancer Foundation (or i[2]y).  While my tumor is not cancerous (and hopefully never will be! AMEN), the lifetime "illness" or condition I now have to live with is just about as close as you can get to cancer, IMO.  They're treated the same (surgery, radiation, chemo) and for brain tumors, the line that divides non-cancerous brain tumors from cancerous ones is pretty blurred.  Anyway, long story short, I've found this site to be really helpful and relatable and full of information.

My favorite part is a blog on the site called The Stupid Cancer Blog.  This blog is SO refreshing!!  It offers insight and puts into words some of feelings and experiences that I didn't quite know how to say myself.  It also makes me think, "Wow, I'm not the only one that feels this way!"  And support, even virtual support, is really important.

I wanted to share some of my favorite quotes from the blog, as they are spot-on to me.

From "Cancer Frenemies: When Good Friends Say Bad Things":

Cancer can bring out the stupid in people. Complete strangers and well-meaning acquaintances blurt out the most insensitive things right to survivors’ faces. 

Nita, who had a double mastectomy after she got breast cancer in her late twenties, was told by a coworker, “I don’t know why you are so hung up on breasts. Look at me; mine are small.”

Most friends and acquaintances are very supportive, even when they don't know what to say (and I don't blame them).  But the thing that drives me NUTS is when I tell someone about the differences in my brain post-surgery, specifically my completely MIA sense of direction and (dis)ability to orient myself, and the person goes "Oh yeah, my sense of direction sucks too."  I'm sorry, but it is NOT the same thing.  I'm not going to get into details explaining how my brain is now, as I've done it plenty of times on here, but there's a huge difference.  And I know the person is only saying it to make me feel like I'm not alone in my difficulties with direction, but the effect they're getting is the opposite.  And it REALLY bothers me.

From "The Fear of Recurrence: Cancer's Evil Twin":

Friends tried to brush my concerns aside. “You’ll be fine,” they would say. “You shouldn’t worry so much. We could all get hit by a bus tomorrow.” They meant well and they thought they grasped the fleeting nature of life with their freak-accident analogies, but cancer survivors don’t have the luxury of dealing in generalities. We have had been told by medical experts that we have a life threatening illness, and because of the limits of science, we must wait and see if it kills us. Or not.

This blog entry is about the fear or recurrence (ha! duh, from the title) and being hyperaware of what is going on with our bodies.  But this paragraph in particular really resonates with me.  When I've mentioned my fear of death (or more specifically, dying young or dying younger than I would like) to people, I've had people on multiple occasions tell me, "But you could get hit by a bus tomorrow.  There are no guarantees in life."  I KNOW.  But it is very different when there is a tumor or cells living in your body, that you already know is/are there, that will (likely) be the source of your demise someday.  Yes, there are no guarantees in life.  But knowing that I must wait and see if it kills me is a whole different beast.

There's also a blog entry called "Scanitis: When Cancer Screenings Fill You with Dread" that is pretty accurate, about how it feels before each MRI.  I'm pretty certain that I'll never go into an MRI feeling totally confident or remotely relaxed.  I try to prep myself for bad news, as I don't want to be surprised.  It's hard.  But the feeling after getting good news from Dr. M is the most wonderful feeling ever.  EVER.

I feel like I've just vented a bit (feels good!) and that was not my intent by sharing about this blog.  But it's so comforting to read something that someone else wrote that hits home for me.  There is an i[2]y happy hour coming up in Seattle in a couple of weeks (called the Stupid Cancer Happy Hour) that I am really excited to attend.  I'm going with a friend of mine that was diagnosed with cancer in 2011, and possibly a 2nd friend too.  And I can't wait!  It's so refreshing to be around young people (hey, 31 is STILL young, I say!) in a similar situation.  I'm confident that it'll be a much better experience than my attempt at the brain tumor support group.  Yikes.  Will let you know how it goes!

Potty mouth crafts, hats, and romance novel covers

I have had a busy week!!  Let me fill you in on some highlights.

I did some crafting.  I stumbled across Subversive Cross Stitch randomly and found a pattern addressing cancer.  I emailed Julie, the owner, to ask if she could tweak the pattern for tumors.  She did (for free) and told me that her brother had died of a very aggressive brain tumor.  She said lots of words of support and I was off!  After receiving my cross stitch kit in the mail, I created this beauty.

Pardon my French, but it's deserved

This little ray of sunshine now hangs in my bathroom

I sent these pictures to Julie to show her how well it turned out, since it was the first F Tumors cross stitch to be done (I'm such a trailblazer, I know...).  She asked me if she could share it on her site's Facebook page, and I told her of course she could.  Well, it got a REALLY great reception!!  I was SO touched and teared up at work (right after she posted it) with all of the wonderful things all these random strangers had to say.

I think my favorite is the guy who says "She looks much too nice to have such a potty mouth, but I have to agree with her on this point."  HA!!!  

I've also been continuing to clean the clutter from my life (and physically from my apartment).  I had a large pile of hats and scarves that have lived on the floor next to my couch since May.  With my new 'do, they are officially retired!  

My head feels cold already!

Some of these are getting donated and some I'm keeping (and may wear casually, for fun! nuts, right?!).  There are just too many for me to keep.

On Saturday, besides enjoying the company of my out of town guests Mindy and Casey and prepping for my party (details in a post to come), I also received what may be the greatest wedding save the date magnet of all time from my seester Amy.  OF ALL TIME.

GENIUS!

This magnet will likely live on my fridge forever.  Past the wedding, past more cleaning out the crap from my life, FOREVER.  I canNOT get over it!  I LOVE IT!

Alright, I'm almost caught up.  Details about the best birthday party ever coming soon!!!

Birthday reminders

Today I'm 31.  It feels GREAT.  I used to dread birthdays a little, as it means you're getting older and farther on the spectrum of life (towards the big finale).  I would think about the things that life hadn't brought me: long-lasting love, life abroad, anything.  Instead, I now think about each year as being a fantastic thing, as they indicate that I've lived even more life than before.  Plus I have so much to be thankful and happy for.  I'm now measuring life on the spectrum based on the all the life I've lived from the beginning, not however much I have left.

I met up with some lady friends for a casual dinner tonight, and I received a really cool birthday book from Steph.  There are some wonderful quotes in it, things that I wish we remembered more often.  So take notes.  :)

"You, whose day it is, get out your rainbow colors and make it beautiful."  Traditional Nootka song

"Pop the cork and tip the glass, and drink the moment."  Unknown

"Each day comes bearing its own gifts.  Untie the ribbons."  Ruth Ann Schubacker

"I wouldn't miss my life for anything!"  Ann Wilson Schaef

"I have found that if you love life, life will love you back."  Arthur Rubinstein

"One cannot have too large a party."  Jane Austen

"The longer I live the more beautiful life becomes."  Frank Lloyd Wright

"Turn the wheel of your life.  Make complete revolutions.  Celebrate every turning.  And persevere with joy."  Deng Ming-Dao

"...The strongest and sweetest songs yet remain to be sung."  Walt Whitman

My net, my blanket

As I flipped through People magazine tonight while on the treadmill (getting yoked, you know), I read an article about Cate Edwards, daughter of John and Elizabeth.  And I quote:

"My mom [had a] theory that the relationships you build are that net for you, that blanket you wrap yourself in.  That's definitely what my family and friends... have done for me in the past year.  It's really been incredible."

Well, Cate, I couldn't have said it better myself!  I know I've said it before, but I feel so incredibly lucky to have a really supportive group of friends and family that have given me so much love and support this year.  It has been my toughest BY FAR, but also the most eye-opening to what really matters, how fragile life and health is, and how important happiness is.  While I know I won't be including everyone who has been there for me this year, because there are a LOT of you, I consider this my little mini tribute to my personal net and blanket group of people (in no particular order).

My fam: Amy, Steph, Lisa

Some of my Wazzu ladies: Karrie, Carly, Heather, Denise, Heather, Kelly

 Taylor, duh

BFF Carl (from waaay back in the day)

My kickass Tumor Walk team! 

#1 Fan, duh

My former P-dub and Troop 404 ladies: LuAnn, Sydnie, Lynn

More lovely Wazzu ladies: Megan, Courtnie, Brittany

Johnny, duh

Chelan homies: Alissa, Casey, Ryan (not pictured: Bob)

I kid on some of those, but in all seriousness, the rest of the people in these pics are pretty darn amazing.  I am honored to consider them part of my support group!

New friends > dentists

With a dentist appointment this afternoon, and the year I've had, I just KNEW that I would get bad news from them (even though I haven't had a new cavity in years).  Well, sure enough, 1 of my 2 existing fillings came out and needs to be replaced, the other one is being "watched" as it's about to fall out, and I have a tiny new cavity.  I KNEW IT.  I couldn't help but just shake my head as the dentist was telling me.  I cannot catch a break this year.  So guess who's getting 2 fillings on Thursday at a dental par-tay?!  Holler!  And who would rather be dropping $200 on something at Nordstrom than on some stinking fillings?!  This girl!

Things quickly turned for the better though, as I met up with my new friend Jess (a fellow tumor dominator) for the first time.  And she is AWESOME!  We chatted for 2.5 hours, OUTDOORS, and I probably could have kept talking but we needed a restroom and my toes were frozen.  We are in somewhat similar situations (grade 2 astrocytomas, no real symptoms from them, discovered pretty randomly, surgery by Dr. S at UWMC) although hers is a bit more serious currently.  But man, it is SO GOOD to talk to someone who knows what you've been through, really knows!

Jess is very courageous and strong and is really taking her health into her own hands.  While her oncologist is telling her she should start radiation (with really no good reason), she instead is pursuing some alternative treatments that have shrunk tumors in other people.  It is so important to be your own best advocate and do what is best for you, not just what doctors say should be done for cookie cutter brain tumor patients.  I don't know what I would/will do someday if/when they tell me I need radiation, but the more options for treatment, the better!  Jess could be blazing a path that we'll all be walking down someday.  Brain tumor patients, I mean...

It wasn't entirely tumor talk though, as we were able to discuss north central WA (she lived in Wenatchee before moving to Seattle recently), her wonderfully supportive hubby (I'm asking Santa for one myself), changes to life plans and perspectives, her half tough/half skittish dog, etc.  It is really comforting and energizing and refreshing to share with and learn from someone in a similar pair of shoes.

I had such a great evening, not even the dentist can get me down.  :)

Reminders

These are some important documents on display on my fridge.

Clippy clip

These are the pics I'm taking to my hair guy for my upcoming cut, and I got the card in the mail from my good friend Sydnie this week.  Not bad reminders, I'd say...

Sara, What and Huh?

Some of my loyal readers (ha!) out there know what the title of my blog is referencing, and other people just look at me with a confused face when I mention the name or if they check it out for the first time.  So, those of you NOT in the know, allow me to explain.

When I was in elementary school, one of the main required readings was a book called "Sarah, Plain and Tall" by Patricia MacLachlan.  It is a "novel is set in the western United States during the late 19th century.  Jacob Witting, a widowed farmer who is still saddened by the death of his wife during childbirth several years earlier finds that the task of taking care of his farm and two children, Anna and Caleb, is too difficult to handle alone.  He writes an ad in the newspaper for a mail-order bride. Sarah, from Maine, answers his ad and travels out to become his wife."  (Thanks, Wikipedia.)

Like the Harry Potter of 1986... NOT

The book was adapted into a made-for-TV movie, starring the lovely Glenn Close as Sarah.  It also starred Christopher Walken as Jacob, which actually kind of makes me want to rewatch the film again...  But anyway...

Truth be told, I did NOT like the book OR the movie.  The book was award-winning though!  And who doesn't like movies with Christopher Walken?!  Well friends, I have always been very tall, the tallest in my class.  So with the name Sara (3rd graders don't differentiate between Sarah and Sara, those amateurs) and being VERY tall, I totally got "Sara, Plain and Tall" all the time from my classmates.  And NO girl likes to be called plain.  So was the book good?  Probably.  The movie heart-warming?  Probably.  But I was anti.

For people my age though, "Sarah, Plain and Tall" is a book/movie that we remember.  So when I was thinking about a name for this blog, I wanted to play off of the name, since I thought it was quite recognizable and clever, and putting "brain" just sort of fit.  So if you want to kick it like in 3rd grade, read/watch on the Hallmark Channel to your heart's content.  And no, mail-order bride-ing it is NOT in my future.  (Yet.)

Sad

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.  Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking.  Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice.  And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.  They somehow already know what you truly want to become.  Everything else is secondary.” -Steve Jobs, via Jacqui

Rest in peace.

Preach, sister

Today's thought, courtesy of Helen Keller:

"Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it."

I found this a week ago, before the Brain Tumor Walk, and I could relate. I hope you can too! :)

My tumor lists

Things my tumor took away from me

• The strength of my eyes
• What little sense of direction I had
• A bit of short-term memory, but I continue to take that back
• About a half-thumb size chunk of brain, but who's keeping track
• Half of my long, lovely hair (with the other half to go soon, October 1st to be exact)
• All of my paid sick days at work
• $1,500+ in cash to cover my health insurance out-of-pocket max for the year (but that's ALL, amen for awesome insurance!)
• The chance that I could live into my 80s and 90s, like many generations of my family
• My ignorant, naive, relatively stress-free life

Things my tumor gave me

• Closer and stronger relationships with my friends and family
• An appreciation for what is important in life (health and happiness)
• Less stress from the small stuff, and more ability to let things go
• The opportunity to raise nearly $6,000 with my team for brain tumor research and patient support (and still counting!)
• A fashionable and versatile wardrobe of hats
• A 4-week vacation from work (kidding, kidding... mostly)  ;)
• A soon-to-be super cute longish pixie haircut (a la Michelle Williams and Ginnifer Goodwin)
• Nearly a foot and a half of hair to help make free wigs for women who have lost their hair due to medical circumstances, via Pantene Beautiful Lengths, once I make my final chop
• A newfound appreciation for GPS and iPhone's Google Maps
• A badass scar with a basass story to go with it
• The motivation to do the things I think are important in life
• An updated life to-do list: be healthy, be happy, travel, live abroad, dominate brain tumors, listen to great music, give love to the people that are important to me

Seems to not be such a bad trade, I'd say.

I heart PB&J

That would be Peter Bjorn & John (of whistle-y "Young Folks" fame), not peanut butter & jelly (gross).  Right before my surgery, I went to their show at Neumos with my friend Sydnie.  They played an old song of theirs called "Objects of My Affection" that has some lyrics I feel like I can relate to.  Here are some select lyrics and a live recording of the song (as the official music video is not very good and I love live and acoustic versions of songs).  Please enjoy.  :)

...And the question is, was I more alive then than I am now?

I happily have to disagree

I laugh more often now, I cry more often now

I am more me

But of course some days, I just lie around

And hardly exist

And can't tell apart what I'm eating

From my hand or my wrist

'Cause flesh is flesh, flesh is, flesh is flesh

The difference is thin

But life has a certain ability of beating new life into me

So I breathe it in

It says here we are, and we all are here

And you still can make sense

If you just show up and present an honest face

Instead of that grin

And the question is, was I more alive then than I am now?

I happily have to disagree

I laugh more often now, I cry more often now

I am more me

And the other day, this new friend of mine

Said something to me

"Just because something starts differently

Doesn't mean it's worth less"...

I LOVE MUSIC.  <3

In mourning

I woke up really early this morning feeling incredibly sad, and I think I've figured out why the news about my type of tumor hasn't been reassuring or good news to me.  I miss my pre-tumor (or, at least, ignorant to it) life.  I am sad for the carefree me whose biggest stress was my daily commute or people who walk too slowly or having to pick the cilantro out of my dinner or flight delays or typos.  I long to be that person who didn't have to worry about mysterious bad cells in my brain that one day will make a decision to attack me.  And they will.  Someday.  It is not a good feeling knowing they are there... waiting.  And I just have to wait for them.  I realized through all of this that, given a choice, I would not want to know how or when I'm going to die.  I feel like that choice has been taken from me and instead will be presented to me, whether I like it or not, at some point in my life, perhaps earlier than I would like to have it.  And right now, I don't want that.

Lance Armstrong talks about when he started chemotherapy, another chemo patient told him, "You don't know it yet, but we're the lucky ones."  I think about that quote a lot, and I really hope I become a true believer in that... soon.  Right now I'm just sad and feeling sorry for myself, and I don't want to feel this way.  Today, I just really miss the old ignorant oblivious me, who didn't have stupid things like brain tumors to worry about.

Quote of the day #2

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength." - Anonymous, via Steph

I'm trying not to worry about my pathology/prognosis appointment coming up on Wednesday, 6/1.  And, honestly, I haven't been thinking about it much.  I'm still bummed there's a little bit of tumor left behind, but they got the most they could while still being safe, so I have to commend my neurosurgeons for that.  It's better to wake up with some tumor left behind and my vision intact, than no tumor and no vision!

This quote is a really great one to help me keep perspective and keep from worrying when it's not yet necessary.  :)

Ode to Adversity, by Sara's dad

My dad called me today, and said that the MLK quote I have on this blog reminded him of a poem he once wrote about adversity.  He was having a particularly challenging day at work with a dysfunctional ATM, and he wrote this in his head to the beat of his steps as he walked over for the hundredth time to try and get the thing working.  And I present, Ode to Adversity, by my dad (Jim):

I laugh in the face of adversity.

I chuckle at trouble.

I sing to every stinkin' rotten thing

And I smile all the while.

I understand you, adversity.

For without you there is no can do,

No accomplishment or achievement.

You are resistant to the persistent.

Oh contraire to you, adversity,

Devil's advocate, heaven's testament.

I know you and I'll show you.

You can't wreck me, so I'm the best me.

So here's to you adversity.

I thank you for the rank you,

Your challenges fail as I prevail.

I respect you and detest you, as I best you, adversity!

Chow down!

If you're looking for some way to help, I have a fun and delicious idea!  I've set up a schedule on the Take Them A Meal site.  It's a great *free* website that allows you to set up a schedule for meal deliveries.  You (as my awesome friends and family) can choose a day, claim it on the schedule, decide what you're bringing, and then show up with/for dinner... and I'm guaranteed a fun visitor (and way better meal that I would have rounded up for myself)!  Either click on the link above, or go to http://www.takethemameal.com and type in my last name along with my password (riffraff).  Why riffraff?  Because they keep things more interesting.  Always.

Thank you!!!

"Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside."  -Mark Twain

"As for butter versus margarine, I trust cows more than chemists."  -Joan Gussow

"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money.  Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."  -P.J. O'Rourke

"Great restaurants are, of course, nothing but mouth-brothels.  There is no point in going to them if one intends to keep one's belt buckled."  -Frederic Raphael

Lance Armstrong is a stud

My friend Torre recommended that I read Lance Armstrong's first book "It's Not About the Bike: My Journey Back to Life," which is the story of Lance's upbringing, his cancer diagnosis and treatment, and his first 2 wins at the Tour de France.  Torre thought it would be inspirational (and shouldn't freak me out, when I asked him).  It was a good read and showed Lance's strength and courage.  Lance also had surgery to remove 2 brain tumors, and that part did freak me out a smidge, as he describes his surgery.  But don't worry, Torre, the read was still worth it.  :)

A picture of the book on my Kindle just doesn't have the same pizzazz

There were a few quotes from the book that I wanted to share.  I know, it's a little cheesy, but life gets crazy and it helps to hear from and read about people that have gone through similar situations.

"People die.  That truth is so disheartening that at times I can't bear to articulate it.  Why should we go on, you might ask?  Why don't we all just stop and lie down where we are?  But there is another truth, too.  People live.  It's an equal and opposing truth.  People live, and in the most remarkable ways."

"To believe, when all along we humans know that nothing can cure the briefness of this life, that there is no remedy for our basic mortality, that is a form of bravery.  To continue believing in yourself, believing in the doctors, believing in the treatment, believing in whatever I chose to believe in, that was the most important thing.  I decided.  It had to be."

In reference to learning about his brain tumors: "But believe it or not, there was a certain relief in hearing the worst news yet -- because I felt like that was the end of it all.  No doctor could tell me anything more; now I knew every terrible thing in the world."  Sara's note: I felt a level of relief once I was told I had a tumor and surgery would be a "strong option."  There was no more waiting, no more wondering, and we finally knew what we were tackling and had a plan.  Granted, that relief has subsided at times, and I won't know until a week after surgery what my tumor is and if I'll need further treatment, but a big part of me is happy to know that (hopefully!!!) the worst part of this will be over.  SOON.

"There was a disquieting intimacy to the idea that something uninvited was living in my head.  When something climbs straight into your mind, that's way personal.  I decided to get personal right back, and I began to talk to [them], engaging in an inner conversation with [my tumors].  I tried to be firm in my discussions.  "You picked the wrong guy," I told [them].  "When you looked around for a body to try to live in, you made a big mistake when you chose mine.""

Inspired to kick some tumor ass with me?!  ;)

Quote of the day

Instead of continuing to ineffectively try to Google the MLK Jr. quote I was trying to find, I instead posed the question to Frank (from PostSecret) on FB, and he answered!  The quote I was trying to remember the other night is:

"Undeserved suffering is redemptive." 

- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of people suffering out there FAR more than me, and I don't feel like I'm suffering.  Mine is more of an emotional and mental drain these days.  But, I have faith and hope that this will all turn out for the best and make me into a more patient, tolerant, forgiving, loving person with purpose.  Cross your fingers.  ;)

I heart PostSecret

Tonight my friend Mindy and I attended a PostSecret Live event held in Seattle.  PostSecret is a project started by Frank Warren back in the day (circa 2004), where he encouraged people to anonymously mail their secrets to him on postcards.  He started posting them on a blog and it has grown tremendously since it started; it now includes books and the tour, and he still updates secrets every Saturday night at midnight.  Mindy and I have been following PostSecret for years and I've been waiting for the opportunity to see him speak.  It came tonight!

A lot of secrets that are submitted are about troubles in people's lives.  Frank talked about his own dark, challenging times growing up, and how they have led him to be the person that he is today.  He said he wouldn't go back and change them, even if he could.  There are lessons to learn and grace to develop from all of the adversities that you face, and life can really be special when the darkness finally turns lighter and you're able to overcome the challenges that you faced and develop into an even better person than before.

I'm not one to get too sappy or soft (heck, I don't even cry at movies), but his words really touched me tonight.  He helped me to remember that this very dark thing I'm going through will only help to shape me into the person I'm meant to be and make me a better person overall.  I've tried to stay positive through this ordeal, but the reality and scariness is starting to sink in a bit, and I've struggled at times the last couple of days to keep it all together.  But, I truly believe that this whole experience will make me a stronger person.  I'm hoping it also makes me more patient, more compassionate towards others, and more open about sharing my feelings towards my loved ones.  (I love you guys...)

Frank read a short quote from MLK Jr. that seemed quite fitting, and I'm having a hard time tracking it down online right now.  It was something about undeserved adversity resulting in redemption... or something like that... and it hit home for me.  If I find that quote, I'll share it on here.