In mourning

I woke up really early this morning feeling incredibly sad, and I think I've figured out why the news about my type of tumor hasn't been reassuring or good news to me.  I miss my pre-tumor (or, at least, ignorant to it) life.  I am sad for the carefree me whose biggest stress was my daily commute or people who walk too slowly or having to pick the cilantro out of my dinner or flight delays or typos.  I long to be that person who didn't have to worry about mysterious bad cells in my brain that one day will make a decision to attack me.  And they will.  Someday.  It is not a good feeling knowing they are there... waiting.  And I just have to wait for them.  I realized through all of this that, given a choice, I would not want to know how or when I'm going to die.  I feel like that choice has been taken from me and instead will be presented to me, whether I like it or not, at some point in my life, perhaps earlier than I would like to have it.  And right now, I don't want that.

Lance Armstrong talks about when he started chemotherapy, another chemo patient told him, "You don't know it yet, but we're the lucky ones."  I think about that quote a lot, and I really hope I become a true believer in that... soon.  Right now I'm just sad and feeling sorry for myself, and I don't want to feel this way.  Today, I just really miss the old ignorant oblivious me, who didn't have stupid things like brain tumors to worry about.