Paranoia

I've become part of a vicious cycle that I imagine will be a part of my life for a long time.  Scary MRI appointment, relief from good news (HOPEFULLY), 2 months of relaxation, and then a month of nervousness and paranoia until my next MRI.  At least, that is how it seems to go since surgery.  I'm a little under a month away from my next MRI and I'm starting to get really nervous.  Paranoid, really.

I've been sleeping really terribly, which has affected my head my whole life (more headaches) and my eyes since surgery (feeling strained and tired and less than stellar).  And for almost the last week, my eyes have been exceptionally terrible.  They feel tired and strained all day long, even when I wake up.  It's like I've been reading on a computer screen all day... except I haven't.  They should be somewhat refreshed from the bit of sleep I'm getting.  Granted it's crappy crappy sleep, but still.  They've been so bad that I skipped a friend's going-away party on Saturday night because I was nervous to drive at night to get there.  My logic tells me that my poor sleep has finally built up enough trouble to cause my eyes to be very unhappy with me, but my paranoia tells me that my tumor is growing and causing this.  After all, it is in the vision part of my brain.

I am afraid to type out my fears on here, as I'll start to cry, but the summary includes fears of tumor growth, radiation, and going blind.  Not the life I dream of, that's for sure.

I called Dr. M, my neurooncologist, today and spoke with his nurse.  I told her about what's been going on in the last week and asked for a recommendation for a sleep doctor.  I'm hoping she calls me back tomorrow after talking with Dr. M, as I just don't think I can wait until 12/8 to try and get this resolved (or at least on the 1st steps to resolving it).  I've slept poorly my WHOLE life and it's really starting to cause me some serious trouble.  And if it's causing symptoms that make me paranoid that my tumor is growing, that is really a bad thing.